I know I promised myself and others that I'd lay off of the relationship heavy stuff, since this is strictly a blog about food and procrastinating, but this has been something on the mind of a close friend who recently broke up with hers, (and hence, sort of on my mind) and is slightly relevant (I think) to my own life at the moment.
Plus, I did this instead of writing MOAR ESSAYS (Also small update. Hold status from Upstate, and only 7 more to go, DO AND MD.
This is a slightly modified version of my response to this article that she posted on her community site (i.e. Myspace, Facebook, etc.).
For the e-mail folk, I'm sorry for the multiple edits. I'm terrible at proofreading for clarity.
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I'm inclined to agree in part with the article, as it goes along the lines of a central idea of "In all things, moderation." It's something we see in all parts of life, and love and affection are hardly an exception.
A proper relationship of any kind requires that both people be able to respect each other's boundaries and needs. Friends often fall apart because someone's too nosy, or too brash, unkind, or too clingy. Relationships can self destruct because it feels more like a chore to be with someone than a fantastic thing in itself
In a romantic relationship, that's a lot harder because people are de facto closer together. They share more, they're more emotionally invested, they... do more with greater meaning because everything is so tied together. Being capable of autonomy in a relationship means being able to step back and NOT be so entrenched in someone else that any form of separation is painful.
It's about being realistic, and it's maintaining individuality and autonomy even when it feels like you can pour your all into someone else. Some of the scariest relationships I've seen are when people say that "X is my all," and instead of celebrating them, they submit to them. It's a functional relationship, but that doesn't make it fulfilling, or even morally correct.
As much as a relationship is a union, it is a union of two unique, though similar elements. As much as the yin and yang create a circle, the yin-yang is also representative of two disparate elements containing an element of the other within them (The dichotomous Animus and Anima, if we're to be Jungian). To push the analogy further, the yin-yang is a symbol of balance as much as it is one of unity. Neither takes up more than the other, and neither dominates the other, instead fitting neatly in equal proportions.
One of the most important things I learned coming off my relationship was that I held my then girlfriend too close, and read too much into everything. I overreacted a lot because she was too precious to me, and relied on her too much to see me through things I should have taken on my own. Relationships can make us stronger, but they also leave open the possibility of leaning on people when we shouldn't, and expecting of them things we should never ask them to shoulder.
In a relationship, it's important to be close, but as a protein's function is enabled by its shape, as a molecule is held together by its bonds, there is only so much space everything can take up, and only so much distance everything can share before it flies apart by its own forces.
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Most of me is posting this because I really like the analogy at the end. Part of me is posting this because it's got subtleties that I like, but only when juxtaposed with comments from others on the source entry. Part of me is posting this as a medal of my own growth and retro- and introspection. Just a little part of me is posting this in hopes that a specific someone I know will see it, and will perhaps clear up something I feel is important. Or, it could make things worse. It usually does. ^^
Chaplaincy Thoughts, or How To Start
2 years ago
